Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Thoughts

As I sit at my desk and contemplate the way my life is evolving and revolving, I reflect on all the things I thought I would be doing at 31- and it was NOT THIS! Where did the turn happen? I am currently listening to one of my favorite songs from the 80's. I remember one day I waited on the phone with WPGC 95.5 to request that Al B. D play Girlfriend by Peebles, I was a pre-teen at the time (I am dating myself).

Here is what I envisioned my life to look like...I was going to be a famous artist of some sort, painting and drawing to my heart's content. I was going to look fabulous in my designer clothes and I would be living in my fancy loft style apartment. Instead, I am a mother of 2 small children, now a student again, living at home with my parents and my family because my mother has cancer, and a wife of a husband who is clearly unhappy with the entire situation. This is so not the Sex in the City Lifestyle I had planned.

But, I am not the planner. Allah ta ala is the best of planners and what he plans for me I will accept, even if I grumble a little, I am only human. I do what I am supposed to do, I got married, had children, raise them with morals and values, work hard and earn what I have, but there is always more month than money. I look at what others have and I think how easy it was for them to have what I should have. My kids deserve to live in a spacious home with their family, I deserve to have a safe and new car, my kids deserve to go to the best schools, I deserve to have the best of whatever. But then I remember that when you are on the straight path, that is when things are thrown in your way. When you are on the path to dispare on your own it is a very easy road.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not misrable but I am thinking of what I wanted before I had children, a family and responsibilities. It is amazing to see how I have changed directions over the years. I have not given up my dreams and asperations, I have just changed directions and fine tuned dreams. I am a realist, and it is hard for me to dream and desire things that are far from reality, but I am working on it.

When I change perspectives my life seems to be a little different...I have a car that is paid for and works fine, I am able to take care of my parents the way they took care of me, my children are growing up truly knowing and learning from their grandparents, when the world is cold outside my famliy is at home together to warm each other. I am able to go back to school and work on things with my families support. Yeah we could have more but when you think about it...It is not so bad afterall. I would like to have a better car, LOL.

I know there is a lesson in this, and I am really attempting to get the lesson to learn from it...I just wish the school bell would ring and I could move on to bigger and better things. I guess I am ungreatful for what I have...


Hijabi Apprentice said...

You are honestly one of my heroes! I don't think you are ungrateful just human. I often look at my life and wonder about the "what ifs" but then I think of others who have a lot less than I do and I am humbled. You are a great example of turning lemons into lemonade!

UmmAminahHonest said...

Thanks, you have no idea how much I needed that

Hijabi Apprentice said...

Awww :). By the way, I have on my hoodie and have loaded up the car with an assortment of baseball bats, tazers, rocks and slingshots! I'm just waiting for a call ma!