Thursday, March 5, 2009

Ok, I am claiming temporary insanity...Does that give me the right to say what I want?

Over the last few days, I have been irritated because I have had to stifle myself..But yesterday I think Allah blessed me to have a series of events that took place over the day that had me saying to myself "Welcome Back Sister Girl-I have missed you!!!" So sit back and enjoy the series of ridiculous events.

Event 1- So...I was riding the Metro, it was cold as a polar bear's tail(*word substitution*) and crowded. I had to stand for the duration of the ride. I get on 4 stops from the beginning of the line and by the time we got to downtown D.C. the train was pulsating with the crowd of people that had stuffed themselves on this one train like it was the last to come before the end of the world. There were many very nicely dressed professionals in their designer best acting like children in Headstart... pushing, shoving, complaining, and acting simply retarded. I finally get to my stop and the doors open and to my dismay people began to attempt to board the already crowded train while we were trying to get off. Then there was a slight break in the pushing and shoving...and I was wondering what the hold up was..then I saw. An older lady had fallen outside of the train doors and people were stumbling as they steped over and on her as they went on their way...Something in my head snapped and then I said..."Hold it a minute, you people act like farm animals!"..and I helped the lady up, mind you her beautiful winter white coat was saturated with footprints and smudged stains. Only then did some of these selfish people act like they had a bit of concern.

Event 2- So at dinner time I decided I wanted to go to get a burrito bowl. As I waited to order, I noticed a lady in there...clearly homeless and hungry with another well dressed woman. Everything the well dressed woman ordered the homeless woman ordered the same thing. As we got ready to pay, she had a side order of rice and beans, chips and salsa, her burrito with extra everything, an Izzie soda, a large bottle of water and a cup of ice. I watched the well dressed woman pull out her American Express Card and pay for the meal. My class mate and I saw the pair again at the back of the resturant where the well dressed woman asked the homeless woman, "Did you get everything you needed for your meal?" and the other woman responded "You know what, I want some white rice from the chinese store down the street..." The nice lady said back, "I do not have any cash, you have rice with your dinner from here, don't you remember?" Then the exchange went on back and forth for a few minutes and then the nice lady said to the homeless woman, "I am sorry you are not happy with your meal, I do not have anymore money. You should sit down inside the resturant and eat so you can stay warm. It's cold out tonight" THIS UNGRATEFUL NASTY WOMAN SAYS BACK, "Don't tell me what to do, you bought me dinner and thats all..." I was PISSED OFF as I heard this conversation. As we all walked out together, the nice lady was clearly upset about the entire event. I said to her, "That was very nice, and it was clear you were not doing a good thing for public recognition. Even if she is not happy with her meal, you have added a good deed to your life and God always remembers when his servants give of what they have." She smiled and said thank you and went on down the street... People who are truly hungry would kill for a customized fresh hot meal, not complain...

Bottom line I learned my lesson---Say what you think...immediatly, especially when you are watching people act like colons.

More to come-

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Listening to Your Breathing

It seems like I am full of words of wisdom when the "Poop" hits the fan- (substitution for a more colorful phrase). I am continuing to reflect on my choices and what I am doing in my life right now that is effecting an outcome of some sort. It is amazingly easy to say "Give in and let GOD do his work"...but the actual action is a hard thing to do. I have come to the section of my journey where I must really look to Allah for guidance and acceptance.

My instincts right now are telling me to go back home and get in the bed and try it again another day, but I have to stretch myself past that and move on, get up get out and do something. Nothing seems to come easy to me, and the things I plan always fail if I do not have the proper perspective and guidance. I have know for years that in order to make a wise decision you need to make isthakar (prayer asking for direction). I can honestly say, I have not done that in years. I have been writing my own script without the directors blessings and it is now starting set a series of events to come to clean up my mess.

It is amazing how much Allah loves us and how much he cleans our messes and forces us to do whatever it is that we need to do to grow and change. As I make more lemonaide out of my lemons I can really appreciate and hear part of the message. I think the message is to be still and breathe in the sites, use the gifts that Allah has given me and be still. Shut my mouth and listen to the sound of my breathing and the sounds around me. But here is the tip...How do you become still? I have thoughts racing and plans being planned in my mind as I sleep, day dream and even when I am really not trying to- You know what they say "You are not crazy if you talk to yourself, you are only crazy when you answer too..." So I am shutting my mouth...

It is amazing what the mind has to say when you actually I am listening to the sound of my breathing.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Random Thoughts

As I sit at my desk and contemplate the way my life is evolving and revolving, I reflect on all the things I thought I would be doing at 31- and it was NOT THIS! Where did the turn happen? I am currently listening to one of my favorite songs from the 80's. I remember one day I waited on the phone with WPGC 95.5 to request that Al B. D play Girlfriend by Peebles, I was a pre-teen at the time (I am dating myself).

Here is what I envisioned my life to look like...I was going to be a famous artist of some sort, painting and drawing to my heart's content. I was going to look fabulous in my designer clothes and I would be living in my fancy loft style apartment. Instead, I am a mother of 2 small children, now a student again, living at home with my parents and my family because my mother has cancer, and a wife of a husband who is clearly unhappy with the entire situation. This is so not the Sex in the City Lifestyle I had planned.

But, I am not the planner. Allah ta ala is the best of planners and what he plans for me I will accept, even if I grumble a little, I am only human. I do what I am supposed to do, I got married, had children, raise them with morals and values, work hard and earn what I have, but there is always more month than money. I look at what others have and I think how easy it was for them to have what I should have. My kids deserve to live in a spacious home with their family, I deserve to have a safe and new car, my kids deserve to go to the best schools, I deserve to have the best of whatever. But then I remember that when you are on the straight path, that is when things are thrown in your way. When you are on the path to dispare on your own it is a very easy road.

Please do not get me wrong, I am not misrable but I am thinking of what I wanted before I had children, a family and responsibilities. It is amazing to see how I have changed directions over the years. I have not given up my dreams and asperations, I have just changed directions and fine tuned dreams. I am a realist, and it is hard for me to dream and desire things that are far from reality, but I am working on it.

When I change perspectives my life seems to be a little different...I have a car that is paid for and works fine, I am able to take care of my parents the way they took care of me, my children are growing up truly knowing and learning from their grandparents, when the world is cold outside my famliy is at home together to warm each other. I am able to go back to school and work on things with my families support. Yeah we could have more but when you think about it...It is not so bad afterall. I would like to have a better car, LOL.

I know there is a lesson in this, and I am really attempting to get the lesson to learn from it...I just wish the school bell would ring and I could move on to bigger and better things. I guess I am ungreatful for what I have...